Parodies That Never Were: Disney Villainess Tango

Occasionally you have an idea so good that Todrick Hall also has it. In those cases, you have to hurry and do your idea before Todrick Hall can. Except you don’t know that Todrick Hall is doing it, so you hold your parody in a folder, waiting for the perfect time to do it, and then one morning you see Todrick Hall’s newly released parody on your Tumblr dashboard and your world falls apart and you cry into your cereal.

I mean, maybe that happens to you. It certainly happened to us.

I just want to clarify: We love Todrick Hall, and we love this video. We just happened to have written something very similar by chance about six months previous.

I personally believe we could’ve never matched the incredible production quality of “Spell Block Tango,” from the dancing to the costumes to the lighting and the drama. However, if there’s one thing I’m immensely proud of our version for, it’s that we worked hard to match the lyrics to the movies and not take any creative liberties, which would’ve produced a parody with a slightly different feel than Todrick’s.

That’s why I want to show you the lyrics we had written: The parody that could’ve been!

[MALEFICENT]
Prick
[EVIL QUEEN]
Snack
[CRUELLA]
Puppies
[MEGARA]
Wonderboy
[URSULA]
Thingamabob
[MOTHER GOTHEL]
Crow’s feet

And now the six merry villainesses of the Walt Disney Jail in their rendition of… “The Villainess Tango.”

[MALEFICENT]

You know how people have these little habits
That get you down. Like not
inviting you to a party.
No, not a party. A CHRISTENING.
And I’m really irritated, and I’m
Looking for a little bit of payback
And there’s these three fairies,
Flittin’ around on their little wings
And giving gifts. No, not gifts.
Blessings. So, I said to ‘em,
I said, “I have a blessing for the baby, too.”
And I did.
So I cast some dark magic
And gave her a lovely wooden spindle.
… into her finger.

[EVIL QUEEN]

I got my magic, enchanted mirror
A couple of years ago,
And he told me I was the fairest
And we hit it off right away.
It was the same every night.
I’d lint roll my velvet cape, touch up my lipstick.
I’d ask who was the fairest, he’d say “you.”
And then I found out,
“Fairest” he told me?
Fairest, my ass. Not only
Was someone else the fairest
… oh, no. It was Snow White.
One of those princesses, you know. So that
Night, when she came home to her dwarves, I fixed her a snack.
You know, some girls just can’t hold their poison apples.

[ALL]

They had it coming
They had it coming
They took a villain
In her prime
And then they used her
And they abused her
It was a plotline
But not a crime!

[CRUELLA]

Now, I’m standing in the hallway
Offering to buy some puppies,
Not asking any favors,
And Anita’s stubborn husband won’t sell.
“I’ll never let you skin these puppies,”
He said. He was crazy!
And he kept on sayin’,
“I’ll never let you skin these puppies!”
All I wanted was to turn a puppy into a coat.
To turn a puppy into a coat a hundred and one times.

[MEGARA]

So, I worked for Hades. I made a mistake. People do crazy things…when they’re in love.
And then I met him—Wonderboy.
Hero complex, flying pony, rippling pectorals…
I swear I never meant to hurt him.
I told Hades I was finished, I wouldn’t help him anymore…

[CRUELLA]

Yeah, but did you do it?

[MEGARA]

Uh uh, not guilty!

[URSULA]

My brother, Triton was the king of the ocean
And his daughter Ariel was always his favorite.
Now, she was a class-A hoarder, this one
She had twenty thingamabobs at least.
One, two, three, four, five…snarfblatts, dinglehoppers,
whozits, whatzits, gadgets, one thing after the other.
So this one night after a storm she agrees to swap her fins for a summer fling with some human prince.
So, I decide to help her.
I cast a spell, she signed the scroll, and I sent her up to make mute hand gestures and comb her hair with a fork.
Well, when her dear father came to bail her out,
She was already under contract. It’s squid pro quo.
It wasn’t until later,
When I was holding the trident in my hands
That I knew I wanted them dead.

[CHORUS]

[MOTHER GOTHEL]

I loved Rapunzel more than I can possibly say.
She was a real artistic girl…
Sensitive… a painter.
But she was always trying to see the lights.
She finally ran off to look for them,
And while she was gone,
I got crow’s feet, frown lines, varicose veins, and saggy boobs.
I guess you can say I fetched her back because I missed her so.
So she wanted to be free?
Well I wanted to be hot.

[MALEFICENT]
I’ve got a blessing for the princess.
[EVIL QUEEN]
Fairest my ass.
[CRUELLA]
A hundred and one times!
[MEGARA]
Rippling pectorals.
[URSULA]
Squid pro quo.
[MOTHER GOTHEL]
Saggy boobs.

[MALEFICENT]
Prick
[EVIL QUEEN]
Snack
[CRUELLA]
Puppies
[MEGARA]
Wonderboy
[URSULA]
Thingamabob
[MOTHER GOTHEL]
Crow’s feet

So there you have it! That’s what Not Literally’s Disney Villainess Tango would’ve looked like.

What do you think? Do you like our lyrics? Tell us in the comments!

*Guys, I seriously appreciate your assurances on Facebook, Tumblr, etc. that Not Literally could still produce this parody, but before you say anything like that, you should know: We are 100% not interested in producing a parody that already exists! This idea is fully discarded. Thank you for your support, though!